I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I didn't notice because vodka
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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