I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
