Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
