totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
