Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
