I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sext me about skeletons
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
