Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
