just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
