I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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