I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
