just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
