I wanna bring you to show and tell
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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