the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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