If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
