jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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