Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
