I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
