Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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