Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
