the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
