the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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