Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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