I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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