So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
