I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I wear drunk well.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
