Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
