pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
