Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
