so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
