Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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