Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you had me at cake vodka
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
