is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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