Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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