someone threw a dead crab at me
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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