i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
