i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
