I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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