If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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