Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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