you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
