she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
