Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
