I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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