dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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