my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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