Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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