Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
