Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
