Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I will be naked everywhere
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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