look no pants
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
