There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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